endo

I told Husband today that sometimes I think the treatment for endo is worse than endo itself.

It sucks feeling like one thing defines you and that it affects everything throughout your day.  Like you constantly have an explanation for what's going on with you, instead of being able to say "this is just how I am".  On the one hand, I can forego treatment and let the pain come back and the bleeding for days and months on end and the scar tissue build up and the cysts and infertility and feeling out of control.  Or I can try so many different treatments that I've lost track and deal with those symptoms.  Currently bleeding for 15 weeks, crying at the drop of a hat, still in pain, losing handfuls of hair, viewing sex as a chore, acne, extreme anger, and in the end, hoping that it's helping, even though my doctor said there's two new cysts and I have a strong suspicion it's growing on my bowels (more unpleasant symptoms).  Either way, I feel like I'm out of control, helpless, defined, limited, and crazy.  It's gotten to the point where I've felt so out of control medically, mentally, emotionally, that I worry I'm making it up.  Or it's not as bad as it is.  Or maybe I don't have it all, maybe we should not treat anything and see what happens without any drugs in my system, maybe they've all counteracted and that's what's fucking me up.

I feel so frustrated and angry and helpless.  I'm tired of having to tell Husband every time I wince, "huevos", and have him apologize because there's nothing he can do and I can't ignore it.  [Huevos is our shortened version of saying "my fucking ovary hurts"]  I'm tired of my hair falling out, I'm tired of bleeding.  I. Am. Tired. Of. Fucking. Bleeding. I'm tired of being so goddamn emotional.  I feel hijacked, I feel like this isn't me.  But it's been so long that I've been dealing with this, and I have to keep on dealing with this that...it just sucks.  Because I do have it.  I do have to take care of it.  I do have to deal with it.  So I'm going to wallow when I feel like it and I'm going to take an active part in treating it.  After we move, I'll find a new doctor and we'll re-evaluate and see where he wants to go from here.  I've done b.c., depo lupron, depo provera, and all of them have sucked in their various ways.  B.C. didn't work (it was like I wasn't even taking them, I'd double up on pills like he told me to and still bleed for weeks and the pain was still getting worse), Lupron sucked ass (menopause at 23?  No.) and the Provera isn't much different than the Lupron.  Surgery just creates more scar tissue so I think dealing with symptoms of some sort of medication (progesterone only since estrogen is the devil) is just the way it's going to be.

And I think I'm going to have to end up more vocal about things to people besides Husband.  Not to the point where I'm complaining all the time, but I feel like people should know that even though I look happy and healthy, I'm definitely not and a little understanding is nice.

There.  I'm done.  The end.