5 month update

Lordy, it's been 5 months since I last posted.  A lot can happen in 5 months.  I don't even know where to begin.

I had surgery November 11th.  (And for the record, I bled all the way from June 15th to November 25th.  Throwing that out there.)  Officially diagnosed with stage 3 endometriosis, my left ovary and fallopian tube were attached to my pelvic wall, he removed a little over 3/4 of my left ovary, cleaned up a few other adhesions, pumped me full of liquid to try and have things not reattach and sent me on my way.  Told me not to wait to have kids.  As of today, I'm in as much pain, if not more so.  So that $1600 lasted two months.  But he said my fallopian tubes were clear, which is a lot of women's biggest problem, so we'll see.

The plan now is to move in with his parents until we can buy a house (hopefully before the end of the year, please god) and then start trying.  I expect I'll need another surgery before it ends up happening.  But who knows?  I'm really not that stressed about it at this point.  Other than, if it doesn't happen in a year, I'd like to move us in the direction of adoption and consider a hysterectomy but we'll cross that bridge if we get to it.  I feel like I'm almost as prepared as I can be.  I have about 10 books I want to read, my binder is ready, etc.  I feel right on the cusp, it's just about here and I'm just about ready for it.  I'm sure I will be when the time comes.

My sister and I reconciled.  That's way too long of a story, but basically I got over being a massive bitch and got some answers to some of my concerns and we'll see how it goes from here.  I'm looking forward to getting to know her again.

We are moving in less than a month!  Everyone knows, apartment manager, work, parents, we haven't been quiet about it.  It'll be so nice to start a new chapter of our lives!  I'm a little nervous to find a new job but not near as much as I've been in the past.

I had school plans all done and ready, everything was lined up and then at the last minute, I was told I'd need to take 6 classes instead of 2 and since we're paying out of pocket, that's not going to happen.  And I can't get the 50 hours of experience in, so it's just not going to happen.  Plus the program doesn't start until April of next year and takes 27 months.  I'm trying to convince Husband that despite the heavy cost of the Private school, it'll be a wash since I can start it considerably sooner and graduate in 18 months and get a job with higher pay sooner.  We're still discussing things, there's a lot to weigh and consider.  But I think I can get my way ;)

And I'm exhausted so I will have to update more later, but this'll do for now.

endo

I told Husband today that sometimes I think the treatment for endo is worse than endo itself.

It sucks feeling like one thing defines you and that it affects everything throughout your day.  Like you constantly have an explanation for what's going on with you, instead of being able to say "this is just how I am".  On the one hand, I can forego treatment and let the pain come back and the bleeding for days and months on end and the scar tissue build up and the cysts and infertility and feeling out of control.  Or I can try so many different treatments that I've lost track and deal with those symptoms.  Currently bleeding for 15 weeks, crying at the drop of a hat, still in pain, losing handfuls of hair, viewing sex as a chore, acne, extreme anger, and in the end, hoping that it's helping, even though my doctor said there's two new cysts and I have a strong suspicion it's growing on my bowels (more unpleasant symptoms).  Either way, I feel like I'm out of control, helpless, defined, limited, and crazy.  It's gotten to the point where I've felt so out of control medically, mentally, emotionally, that I worry I'm making it up.  Or it's not as bad as it is.  Or maybe I don't have it all, maybe we should not treat anything and see what happens without any drugs in my system, maybe they've all counteracted and that's what's fucking me up.

I feel so frustrated and angry and helpless.  I'm tired of having to tell Husband every time I wince, "huevos", and have him apologize because there's nothing he can do and I can't ignore it.  [Huevos is our shortened version of saying "my fucking ovary hurts"]  I'm tired of my hair falling out, I'm tired of bleeding.  I. Am. Tired. Of. Fucking. Bleeding. I'm tired of being so goddamn emotional.  I feel hijacked, I feel like this isn't me.  But it's been so long that I've been dealing with this, and I have to keep on dealing with this that...it just sucks.  Because I do have it.  I do have to take care of it.  I do have to deal with it.  So I'm going to wallow when I feel like it and I'm going to take an active part in treating it.  After we move, I'll find a new doctor and we'll re-evaluate and see where he wants to go from here.  I've done b.c., depo lupron, depo provera, and all of them have sucked in their various ways.  B.C. didn't work (it was like I wasn't even taking them, I'd double up on pills like he told me to and still bleed for weeks and the pain was still getting worse), Lupron sucked ass (menopause at 23?  No.) and the Provera isn't much different than the Lupron.  Surgery just creates more scar tissue so I think dealing with symptoms of some sort of medication (progesterone only since estrogen is the devil) is just the way it's going to be.

And I think I'm going to have to end up more vocal about things to people besides Husband.  Not to the point where I'm complaining all the time, but I feel like people should know that even though I look happy and healthy, I'm definitely not and a little understanding is nice.

There.  I'm done.  The end.

plans

My how plans change.  And this is why I try not to tell people too much about them because eating your words is never fun.  No more Arizona.  We're going to try and move back to the West side of the state near Husband's parents/family as soon as he graduates at the end of March.  He'll almost definitely get a job immediately, but we'll play it by ear [what kind of a phrase is that?  Our idioms...].  We're going to try our hardest to buy a house as soon as possible.  I love all the options for first time home buyers, it's nice there's a little help out there, what 20-somethings have $20K lying around for a down payment?  Silly.

So now the only thing I've been thinking about and researching is buying a house and all things related.  It'll be so amazing to have a yard for the dogs, it'll be nice to have a place that's ours.

School's been placed on hold.  There's no way we'd qualify for a loan with just one of us working.  So I'll go back in two or three years.  For about a week I was heartbroken because I just knew that I'd never go back but damn it, I'm determined, so I will go.  Husband's pushing me to get a job as a branch manager since the pay is similar, and thinks I can get one as soon as we move over in eight months.  He really doesn't get it.  At all.  Ah well, he'll learn.

And then eventually a kid!  Probably.  We sat and talked about it the other night, all of our plans and hopes and the house and school and a kid and we're very much on the same page which is great.

Had an ultrasound a couple of weeks ago.  The original cyst is completely gone (good news!) but a couple of new ones popped up (bad news!).  We'll see what happens.  Still bleeding (11.5 weeks) so I'm still keeping an eye on that.  Pretty sure it's moved to my intestines which is making for not very pleasant symptoms.  Boo.

I'm rushing this post because I really felt the need to post, but I really need to feed my dogs.  So this is what you get for now.

disjointed rant

What is the deal with women saying "I was born to be a mother" or some other variation?  

That is complete bullshit.

You were born to be a person and live your life.  If you happen to be a mother, great, the human race has to continue on.  But think about it for a second, be honest, and admit that you have been conditioned to think that motherhood is the only and highest serving a woman can have.  Give me a fucking break.  Women need to support each other, and mothers need to support each other, not only as mother to mother, but as woman to woman, as person to person, as employee to employee.  Expand your damn horizons and viewpoints!

I am so fed up with people and society right now.  God people are stupid.  As a whole, people are idiots.  I'm sick of politics, opinions based on inadequate and thoughtless lack of information, bigotry, asinine pride, senseless morals, malice toward other people, it's all wrong.

On an unrelated note, but still ranting, I am broken.  I'm still bleeding (8 weeks now), had an ultrasound, the original cyst is apparently gone but two more have shown up.  Still haven't been called back from the doctor.  Doesn't matter, he'll tell me there's nothing to do anyway.  I would have been so much more ok with this if he had told me that this was expected, but not a word.  I think that's about 50% of why I'm so pissed off about it.  Let me tell you, it is seriously making me question whether or not to reproduce.  It would be so easy to just have a hysterectomy.  Finally was able to pin Husband down on how much he really wants a kid.  He really wants one.  Not at the expense of me or our relationship, but if we can, then definitely.  And that's fine.  I want one too.  I think.  Anyway, back to ranting, still bleeding, constant cramps, old pain is starting to come back, it's all infuriating.

On top of that, I can't walk half the time because of my sciatica.  Literally can not walk.  It's painful, numb, tingly, weak and did I mention painful?  Working out is supposed to help but how can you work out when you can't move?  Doesn't matter, trying to strengthen my core, have to work through the pain eh.

Because no one cares.  Everyone has something wrong with them and everyone complains about it and no one listens.  And no one likes a complainer.  So I'm ranting right now, getting it all out, and then I will shut up.  I will smile and be happy because I am happy.  I have a wonderful life, and I have an opportunity to prove to myself how strong of a person I am.  So here I go.

vacation

Vacation was perfect.  As a brief overview, I will tell you that we: drove 5,000 miles, saw Alcatraz, rode Indiana Jones six times, got attacked by cacti, drove through Arizona's worst rain storm, saw the Grand Canyon, stood at the lowest point on land in the Western Hemisphere, took a stupid detour that cost us an extra four and a half hours, got charged by a bear, climbed a mountain, rode in a hot air balloon, kissed on a beach, and otherwise enjoyed ourselves.

And if that seemed overwhelming, you have no idea.

Neck is still fucked.  I'll give it another month before I go in.  Boo.  I've been on my period for almost two months.  Yes, months.  Two.  Goddamn fucking annoying.  And I got a raise today!  For no reason, other than I'm awesome.  It feels amazing when your boss lavishes you with praise.  Almost better than the raise.

I don't really have much else to say at this point.  This post is mainly to get my feet wet again, it's been too few and far between for posts to just jump right back in for me.  My head's not in it.  So until it is...

none

It's been almost a month since my last post.  Too much crap going on.  Planning the trip (we leave Friday!!), in-laws came to visit for a week, moved my sister-in-law out of her apartment, etc etc.  Other than that though, there isn't much new.  Pretty sure I have a herniated disc in my neck, so on top of my sciatica, working a desk job has been tons of fun.  I'm pretty sure my job is killing me.  People aren't meant to sit for nine hours out of the day.

My sister emailed me last night.  I'm not ready to go there.  Way to bring everything up right before we go on vacation, thanks!  I'll be happy to answer all of your questions and somehow satisfy all of your needs.  Of course.

So since this blog is actually supposed to be me commenting on my journey hood to possible parenthood, I should probably say something about that, since I've only mentioned it, what, three times?  It's not that I haven't been thinking about it.  It's just that I'm a lazy ass.

I am obsessed with my articles and studies and anything related.  I'll loosely be referring to the following, so read them if you'd like, don't if you don't.  Does Having Children Make You Happier and I Don't Want to Have Children.

I don't know why I want to have a child (and still deciding whether it's better to have two.)  I'm a dead-pan, logical person to the point of being crass.  So I feel like I need to have a reason to have one.  I can't quite explain the logic behind the need-to-have-this, but there it is.  I feel like if you don't have a reason to have a kid, don't have one.  If it's because you "want one", what kind of reason is that?  Why do you want one?  Is it to make yourself happy or to add to your life in some way or to join this exclusive "parent club"?  Really though, why?  I don't think it's a topic a lot of people/women talk about.  I'm not saying it should necessarily be talked about, but it might be nice.

The first article/study says "There is a widespread belief in every human culture that children bring happiness. When people are asked to think about parenthood — either imagining future offspring or thinking about their current ones — they tend to conjure up pictures of healthy babies, handsome boys or gorgeous-looking girls who are flawless in every way. This is the case even when the prospective parents know that raising a child will be painstakingly difficult; they tend to think quite happily about parenthood, which is why most of them eventually leap into it. Why do we have such a rosy view about parenthood? One possible explanation for this, according to Daniel Gilbert (2006), is that the belief that “children bring happiness” transmits itself much more successfully from generation to generation than the belief that 'children bring misery.'"

And the second: "I don’t know what it’s like to know you want kids, but I can imagine it’s beyond reason, which is all there is when you’re not sure you want one. In my case the reasoning usually takes the form of largely unanswerable rhetorical questions: What if I’m a bad parent? What if my baby's a sociopath? What if I can’t pay for some school I want junior to go to? What if our bundle of joy looks like the worst parts of both me and my boyfriend and then it’s our fault that the kid gets bullied?

What probably won’t change is the fact that I don’t consider babies a miracle any more than I consider a seed growing into a tree particularly miraculous. So how are you a real woman if you don’t give birth? All I can say is that I’ve never particularly defined myself by my gender, nor did I feel the urge to do so once I turned 30. What did happen to me at 30 was that I gradually started to settle down, though not in the traditional sense of the term—by becoming pregnant or putting a down payment on a mortgage or even getting married.

For me, settling down is located in my head (for the Buddhists among you, this is called mindfulness). It meant realizing that I wanted to share my days with my long-distance boyfriend without Skype as an intermediary; that I wanted to stop responding so impulsively to everything; that I didn’t want to keep working on a website in New York despite how much it helped my career, because I actually wanted to write, not rewrite.

“Some people are just fecund with their minds,” my mom said.

And, lucky for us, there is no ticking clock on that."

I used to swear up and down I never wanted kids.  For years.  I never played with dolls, I never tried to mother anyone or anything, I don't believe much in my mothering instinct.  (Again, crass.)  And even now, I'm still not sure I want one.  I asked the Husband last week what he'd say if I said I didn't want to have kids and he answered without a pause "I don't care, I married you for you, not to have kids with you."  (I know, say it with me, "what a guy!")  So I don't have that pressure, which I do appreciate.  

I relate to the second article when she asks her unanswerable rhetorical questions.  It's true, what if I'm a bad parent?  What if my kid turns out to be a serial killer?  What if my kid turns out to be a child molester?  What if he gets leukemia and dies when he's 5?  What if I just simply don't like him?  What if he sucks at life and I'm disappointed?  How do the parents of all the disappointing people out there deal with that?  What if I do the best job that I possibly can, and in one way or another, it's an overall a failure?  I don't know if I'd be strong enough to deal with that.  

And on the other hand, I think, you do the best you can and you don't invest all of yourself in your child so that if it does turn into a failure, you have other parts of your life to hold you up.  I don't think being a mother means that that's the only thing/person you are.  And I really think our society is still trying to push that motherhood is the greatest achievement a woman can reach and that's the only hat she should wear.  

So if I were pushed to answer "why do you want to have a child?", I think I'd answer "multiple reasons", but mainly, I would want to raise an outstanding person who makes a difference in the world.  I would want to raise someone who turns out to be similar to my husband, who, simply by existing, makes the world a much better place.  

Still, it's not necessary to produce yet another human being, so it's still up in the air, and that's ok.  It does not need to be a race to follow a schedule that society deems mandatory.