5 month update

Lordy, it's been 5 months since I last posted.  A lot can happen in 5 months.  I don't even know where to begin.

I had surgery November 11th.  (And for the record, I bled all the way from June 15th to November 25th.  Throwing that out there.)  Officially diagnosed with stage 3 endometriosis, my left ovary and fallopian tube were attached to my pelvic wall, he removed a little over 3/4 of my left ovary, cleaned up a few other adhesions, pumped me full of liquid to try and have things not reattach and sent me on my way.  Told me not to wait to have kids.  As of today, I'm in as much pain, if not more so.  So that $1600 lasted two months.  But he said my fallopian tubes were clear, which is a lot of women's biggest problem, so we'll see.

The plan now is to move in with his parents until we can buy a house (hopefully before the end of the year, please god) and then start trying.  I expect I'll need another surgery before it ends up happening.  But who knows?  I'm really not that stressed about it at this point.  Other than, if it doesn't happen in a year, I'd like to move us in the direction of adoption and consider a hysterectomy but we'll cross that bridge if we get to it.  I feel like I'm almost as prepared as I can be.  I have about 10 books I want to read, my binder is ready, etc.  I feel right on the cusp, it's just about here and I'm just about ready for it.  I'm sure I will be when the time comes.

My sister and I reconciled.  That's way too long of a story, but basically I got over being a massive bitch and got some answers to some of my concerns and we'll see how it goes from here.  I'm looking forward to getting to know her again.

We are moving in less than a month!  Everyone knows, apartment manager, work, parents, we haven't been quiet about it.  It'll be so nice to start a new chapter of our lives!  I'm a little nervous to find a new job but not near as much as I've been in the past.

I had school plans all done and ready, everything was lined up and then at the last minute, I was told I'd need to take 6 classes instead of 2 and since we're paying out of pocket, that's not going to happen.  And I can't get the 50 hours of experience in, so it's just not going to happen.  Plus the program doesn't start until April of next year and takes 27 months.  I'm trying to convince Husband that despite the heavy cost of the Private school, it'll be a wash since I can start it considerably sooner and graduate in 18 months and get a job with higher pay sooner.  We're still discussing things, there's a lot to weigh and consider.  But I think I can get my way ;)

And I'm exhausted so I will have to update more later, but this'll do for now.

endo

I told Husband today that sometimes I think the treatment for endo is worse than endo itself.

It sucks feeling like one thing defines you and that it affects everything throughout your day.  Like you constantly have an explanation for what's going on with you, instead of being able to say "this is just how I am".  On the one hand, I can forego treatment and let the pain come back and the bleeding for days and months on end and the scar tissue build up and the cysts and infertility and feeling out of control.  Or I can try so many different treatments that I've lost track and deal with those symptoms.  Currently bleeding for 15 weeks, crying at the drop of a hat, still in pain, losing handfuls of hair, viewing sex as a chore, acne, extreme anger, and in the end, hoping that it's helping, even though my doctor said there's two new cysts and I have a strong suspicion it's growing on my bowels (more unpleasant symptoms).  Either way, I feel like I'm out of control, helpless, defined, limited, and crazy.  It's gotten to the point where I've felt so out of control medically, mentally, emotionally, that I worry I'm making it up.  Or it's not as bad as it is.  Or maybe I don't have it all, maybe we should not treat anything and see what happens without any drugs in my system, maybe they've all counteracted and that's what's fucking me up.

I feel so frustrated and angry and helpless.  I'm tired of having to tell Husband every time I wince, "huevos", and have him apologize because there's nothing he can do and I can't ignore it.  [Huevos is our shortened version of saying "my fucking ovary hurts"]  I'm tired of my hair falling out, I'm tired of bleeding.  I. Am. Tired. Of. Fucking. Bleeding. I'm tired of being so goddamn emotional.  I feel hijacked, I feel like this isn't me.  But it's been so long that I've been dealing with this, and I have to keep on dealing with this that...it just sucks.  Because I do have it.  I do have to take care of it.  I do have to deal with it.  So I'm going to wallow when I feel like it and I'm going to take an active part in treating it.  After we move, I'll find a new doctor and we'll re-evaluate and see where he wants to go from here.  I've done b.c., depo lupron, depo provera, and all of them have sucked in their various ways.  B.C. didn't work (it was like I wasn't even taking them, I'd double up on pills like he told me to and still bleed for weeks and the pain was still getting worse), Lupron sucked ass (menopause at 23?  No.) and the Provera isn't much different than the Lupron.  Surgery just creates more scar tissue so I think dealing with symptoms of some sort of medication (progesterone only since estrogen is the devil) is just the way it's going to be.

And I think I'm going to have to end up more vocal about things to people besides Husband.  Not to the point where I'm complaining all the time, but I feel like people should know that even though I look happy and healthy, I'm definitely not and a little understanding is nice.

There.  I'm done.  The end.

plans

My how plans change.  And this is why I try not to tell people too much about them because eating your words is never fun.  No more Arizona.  We're going to try and move back to the West side of the state near Husband's parents/family as soon as he graduates at the end of March.  He'll almost definitely get a job immediately, but we'll play it by ear [what kind of a phrase is that?  Our idioms...].  We're going to try our hardest to buy a house as soon as possible.  I love all the options for first time home buyers, it's nice there's a little help out there, what 20-somethings have $20K lying around for a down payment?  Silly.

So now the only thing I've been thinking about and researching is buying a house and all things related.  It'll be so amazing to have a yard for the dogs, it'll be nice to have a place that's ours.

School's been placed on hold.  There's no way we'd qualify for a loan with just one of us working.  So I'll go back in two or three years.  For about a week I was heartbroken because I just knew that I'd never go back but damn it, I'm determined, so I will go.  Husband's pushing me to get a job as a branch manager since the pay is similar, and thinks I can get one as soon as we move over in eight months.  He really doesn't get it.  At all.  Ah well, he'll learn.

And then eventually a kid!  Probably.  We sat and talked about it the other night, all of our plans and hopes and the house and school and a kid and we're very much on the same page which is great.

Had an ultrasound a couple of weeks ago.  The original cyst is completely gone (good news!) but a couple of new ones popped up (bad news!).  We'll see what happens.  Still bleeding (11.5 weeks) so I'm still keeping an eye on that.  Pretty sure it's moved to my intestines which is making for not very pleasant symptoms.  Boo.

I'm rushing this post because I really felt the need to post, but I really need to feed my dogs.  So this is what you get for now.

disjointed rant

What is the deal with women saying "I was born to be a mother" or some other variation?  

That is complete bullshit.

You were born to be a person and live your life.  If you happen to be a mother, great, the human race has to continue on.  But think about it for a second, be honest, and admit that you have been conditioned to think that motherhood is the only and highest serving a woman can have.  Give me a fucking break.  Women need to support each other, and mothers need to support each other, not only as mother to mother, but as woman to woman, as person to person, as employee to employee.  Expand your damn horizons and viewpoints!

I am so fed up with people and society right now.  God people are stupid.  As a whole, people are idiots.  I'm sick of politics, opinions based on inadequate and thoughtless lack of information, bigotry, asinine pride, senseless morals, malice toward other people, it's all wrong.

On an unrelated note, but still ranting, I am broken.  I'm still bleeding (8 weeks now), had an ultrasound, the original cyst is apparently gone but two more have shown up.  Still haven't been called back from the doctor.  Doesn't matter, he'll tell me there's nothing to do anyway.  I would have been so much more ok with this if he had told me that this was expected, but not a word.  I think that's about 50% of why I'm so pissed off about it.  Let me tell you, it is seriously making me question whether or not to reproduce.  It would be so easy to just have a hysterectomy.  Finally was able to pin Husband down on how much he really wants a kid.  He really wants one.  Not at the expense of me or our relationship, but if we can, then definitely.  And that's fine.  I want one too.  I think.  Anyway, back to ranting, still bleeding, constant cramps, old pain is starting to come back, it's all infuriating.

On top of that, I can't walk half the time because of my sciatica.  Literally can not walk.  It's painful, numb, tingly, weak and did I mention painful?  Working out is supposed to help but how can you work out when you can't move?  Doesn't matter, trying to strengthen my core, have to work through the pain eh.

Because no one cares.  Everyone has something wrong with them and everyone complains about it and no one listens.  And no one likes a complainer.  So I'm ranting right now, getting it all out, and then I will shut up.  I will smile and be happy because I am happy.  I have a wonderful life, and I have an opportunity to prove to myself how strong of a person I am.  So here I go.

vacation

Vacation was perfect.  As a brief overview, I will tell you that we: drove 5,000 miles, saw Alcatraz, rode Indiana Jones six times, got attacked by cacti, drove through Arizona's worst rain storm, saw the Grand Canyon, stood at the lowest point on land in the Western Hemisphere, took a stupid detour that cost us an extra four and a half hours, got charged by a bear, climbed a mountain, rode in a hot air balloon, kissed on a beach, and otherwise enjoyed ourselves.

And if that seemed overwhelming, you have no idea.

Neck is still fucked.  I'll give it another month before I go in.  Boo.  I've been on my period for almost two months.  Yes, months.  Two.  Goddamn fucking annoying.  And I got a raise today!  For no reason, other than I'm awesome.  It feels amazing when your boss lavishes you with praise.  Almost better than the raise.

I don't really have much else to say at this point.  This post is mainly to get my feet wet again, it's been too few and far between for posts to just jump right back in for me.  My head's not in it.  So until it is...

none

It's been almost a month since my last post.  Too much crap going on.  Planning the trip (we leave Friday!!), in-laws came to visit for a week, moved my sister-in-law out of her apartment, etc etc.  Other than that though, there isn't much new.  Pretty sure I have a herniated disc in my neck, so on top of my sciatica, working a desk job has been tons of fun.  I'm pretty sure my job is killing me.  People aren't meant to sit for nine hours out of the day.

My sister emailed me last night.  I'm not ready to go there.  Way to bring everything up right before we go on vacation, thanks!  I'll be happy to answer all of your questions and somehow satisfy all of your needs.  Of course.

So since this blog is actually supposed to be me commenting on my journey hood to possible parenthood, I should probably say something about that, since I've only mentioned it, what, three times?  It's not that I haven't been thinking about it.  It's just that I'm a lazy ass.

I am obsessed with my articles and studies and anything related.  I'll loosely be referring to the following, so read them if you'd like, don't if you don't.  Does Having Children Make You Happier and I Don't Want to Have Children.

I don't know why I want to have a child (and still deciding whether it's better to have two.)  I'm a dead-pan, logical person to the point of being crass.  So I feel like I need to have a reason to have one.  I can't quite explain the logic behind the need-to-have-this, but there it is.  I feel like if you don't have a reason to have a kid, don't have one.  If it's because you "want one", what kind of reason is that?  Why do you want one?  Is it to make yourself happy or to add to your life in some way or to join this exclusive "parent club"?  Really though, why?  I don't think it's a topic a lot of people/women talk about.  I'm not saying it should necessarily be talked about, but it might be nice.

The first article/study says "There is a widespread belief in every human culture that children bring happiness. When people are asked to think about parenthood — either imagining future offspring or thinking about their current ones — they tend to conjure up pictures of healthy babies, handsome boys or gorgeous-looking girls who are flawless in every way. This is the case even when the prospective parents know that raising a child will be painstakingly difficult; they tend to think quite happily about parenthood, which is why most of them eventually leap into it. Why do we have such a rosy view about parenthood? One possible explanation for this, according to Daniel Gilbert (2006), is that the belief that “children bring happiness” transmits itself much more successfully from generation to generation than the belief that 'children bring misery.'"

And the second: "I don’t know what it’s like to know you want kids, but I can imagine it’s beyond reason, which is all there is when you’re not sure you want one. In my case the reasoning usually takes the form of largely unanswerable rhetorical questions: What if I’m a bad parent? What if my baby's a sociopath? What if I can’t pay for some school I want junior to go to? What if our bundle of joy looks like the worst parts of both me and my boyfriend and then it’s our fault that the kid gets bullied?

What probably won’t change is the fact that I don’t consider babies a miracle any more than I consider a seed growing into a tree particularly miraculous. So how are you a real woman if you don’t give birth? All I can say is that I’ve never particularly defined myself by my gender, nor did I feel the urge to do so once I turned 30. What did happen to me at 30 was that I gradually started to settle down, though not in the traditional sense of the term—by becoming pregnant or putting a down payment on a mortgage or even getting married.

For me, settling down is located in my head (for the Buddhists among you, this is called mindfulness). It meant realizing that I wanted to share my days with my long-distance boyfriend without Skype as an intermediary; that I wanted to stop responding so impulsively to everything; that I didn’t want to keep working on a website in New York despite how much it helped my career, because I actually wanted to write, not rewrite.

“Some people are just fecund with their minds,” my mom said.

And, lucky for us, there is no ticking clock on that."

I used to swear up and down I never wanted kids.  For years.  I never played with dolls, I never tried to mother anyone or anything, I don't believe much in my mothering instinct.  (Again, crass.)  And even now, I'm still not sure I want one.  I asked the Husband last week what he'd say if I said I didn't want to have kids and he answered without a pause "I don't care, I married you for you, not to have kids with you."  (I know, say it with me, "what a guy!")  So I don't have that pressure, which I do appreciate.  

I relate to the second article when she asks her unanswerable rhetorical questions.  It's true, what if I'm a bad parent?  What if my kid turns out to be a serial killer?  What if my kid turns out to be a child molester?  What if he gets leukemia and dies when he's 5?  What if I just simply don't like him?  What if he sucks at life and I'm disappointed?  How do the parents of all the disappointing people out there deal with that?  What if I do the best job that I possibly can, and in one way or another, it's an overall a failure?  I don't know if I'd be strong enough to deal with that.  

And on the other hand, I think, you do the best you can and you don't invest all of yourself in your child so that if it does turn into a failure, you have other parts of your life to hold you up.  I don't think being a mother means that that's the only thing/person you are.  And I really think our society is still trying to push that motherhood is the greatest achievement a woman can reach and that's the only hat she should wear.  

So if I were pushed to answer "why do you want to have a child?", I think I'd answer "multiple reasons", but mainly, I would want to raise an outstanding person who makes a difference in the world.  I would want to raise someone who turns out to be similar to my husband, who, simply by existing, makes the world a much better place.  

Still, it's not necessary to produce yet another human being, so it's still up in the air, and that's ok.  It does not need to be a race to follow a schedule that society deems mandatory.

updates

My sister texted me last week "only two more days of birth control..."  I played dumb.  Then I didn't really say anything at all.  She wants me to be excited for her, and ask questions.  I don't.  We don't know each other anymore.  I was so furious though.  I wanted to ask if she's been to the doctor, had a physical, is taking prenatals, has read a single book, has talked to Frank about parenting styles, about discipline styles, if they even have any, what they're going to do about living arrangements, what they're going to do about their jobs, whether she still has panic attacks thinking about it, why she wants to have a kid, what are her reasons?  So furious.  Because I personally think she's only planning on having one because their best friends are pregnant.  So there's that news.

Husband and I are planning on moving to Arizona.  In a year.  He has a friend he works with at Olive Garden that's moving down there with his wife (who's also a teacher) and more or less convinced us.  We had thrown the idea around for the past year or so of moving out of state for a few years after he's done with school.  If we're going to live anywhere else, now's the time to do it.  There's a school in both Mesa and Tucson that offers the physical therapy assistant program, and it only takes a year and a half instead of two, so that's good for me.  And timing should work out, it starts twice a year, and we're hoping to be down there in May or June, July at the latest, when our lease is up here.  The Husband and I are not spontaneous people per se, but with big decisions, we both know right away.  We're keeping it quiet for now, don't want to upset family, and it should be fun to tell my sister that, no, I won't be around to babysit for her (that's really just a perk though).

We started donating plasma.  Money has been seriously tight, and we're about $300 short for our trip, so why not get paid to get poked twice a week?  We're getting $360 a month, not bad.  Pays for groceries.

Our friend Mark came over last week and he and Husband got super drunk and Husband came to bed at 4:30.  4:45, he attacked me.  He has really horrible nightmares, especially when he gets drunk.  He grabbed my arms, I thought he was going to break them, and was screaming who knows what.  His eyes were open, he was responding to me, but he would not let go.  I was kicking/yelling/everything I could think of.  He eventually went for my throat but at the last second, stopped, sat up, mumbled something, and went back to sleep.  He felt so bad about it the next day, he cried.  Poor guy.  I'm just not going to sleep with him when he gets that drunk.  It's not his fault, but that doesn't mean I want a repeat.

Husband's family is coming over next week for vacation/birthdays.  I'm excited!  I get to cook for everyone and I took Friday off and so everyone'll be together.  It should be a good time!

I feel very cut and dry in this post.  But I have a headache, and I think I'm going to watch a movie.  Husband is at work and the place is clean, so I don't have much else to do.  That's about all the updates anyway.

dog park

We've been taking the dogs to the dog park.  They love it of course.  There's a section for small dogs and large dogs and no one's in the small dog section which is great because ours can get a little aggressive.  Yesterday, there was a little girl there, physically she looked to be about 5 or 6, she was big for her age, but her face and mentality put her at 3, maybe pushing 4.  And I wanted to punch her in the face.  For no other reason than she was being a kid and acting her age.  She was in and out of both parks, leaving the gates open to both (Apricot was inches away from escaping), she demanded treats to give to her dog (rather than asking), demanded that we bring one of our dogs over to her dog and put them on the picnic table.  We tried, she tried, they weren't having it.  She got frustrated and mad at us.  Demanded more treats.  She annoyed the hell out of me.  I don't like kids that age.  And I don't like when kids aren't taught manners.  It's not her fault for not knowing that you ask, rather than demand.  But that doesn't mean it's not goddamn annoying, that's why you teach them, so people don't hate your kid.

This is why I need to change my attitude!  Or at least have coping mechanisms in place beforehand.  Because my kid is going to be goddamn annoying and I can't punch it in the face.  Dang it.  I know you can't like your kid all the time, we're not perfect and everyone gets annoying.  I just hope that the annoying times don't last too long because I would hate for my kid to somehow know/figure out that "mom doesn't really like you".  When I told The Husband that I don't like kids that age and my reaction to the little girl, he looked...it was an "oh shit" moment.  Like, "she's got a lot of stuff to work out, if she thought that kid was annoying".  And I hated that look on his face.  Like it was an unacceptable or morally wrong reaction to have.  That's not really fair.  I didn't punch her in the face!  I was nice, I asked her questions, I gave her her treats. I can fake it.  But that doesn't mean I don't feel something other than what I project.  In the future, I'd like to be able to tell him how I feel without that look on his face because that hurt.

grumpy

I had a dream the night before last that my grandmother passed away and I only found out by reading her obit.  It was one of those that was so realistic, you aren't sure if it actually happened or not.  It hasn't so far, but I wouldn't be surprised.  And that makes me mad.

She's almost 94 and has dementia.  She's been living with my parents for the past seven years and she is the sweetest lady you'll ever meet.  She's had diabetes for years, she's blind, almost deaf and still laughs constantly.  She used to sing opera but she had her first stroke when she was in her 40's and hasn't been able to sing properly since.  She still gets her toe tapping if she hears music though.  I haven't seen her in three or four years.  I don't think I will again.  She doesn't remember me and I have no desire to see my parents any time soon.  I prefer to keep the memory I have of her intact.  She's not doing well.  She's had TIA's for years and the next big stroke will probably take her.  It's what she wants.  She wakes up in the middle of the night, thinking she's seeing angels and they're trying to take her home.  She cries when she doesn't go with them.  Talk about being ready to go.

I imagine I'll get a phone call either early in the morning or early evening from my mom, letting me know she's gone.  (Although I wouldn't put it past them to call my sister and have her call me.)  And I can't decide if I want to go to the funeral or not.  I'm thinking no.  It'll only be used as a platform to preach and evangelize and talk about preaching to the choir, the only people who'll be there are family and they're all converts anyway.  But they'll do it and what's the point?  There are eight siblings, seven of which will show up, and their extended families, and they're all crazy.  On the one hand, it'd be a wonderful opportunity for the Husband to see The Craziness, but I just don't want to handle all the drama.  My aunts and my mom all hate each other and think that mom has done a horrible job with grandma.  And the brothers are almost all pastors.  And they're all fighting over the "stuff" in the house.  Call me crazy, but I don't want to be there for that.  So, Grandma, I love you, and I'll remember you.  You made me gross-tasting peanut butter and jelly sandwiches after school and yelled at me for eating all your strawberries.  You taught me Sunday School and I still have your graduation card.  Sorry your kids ended up crazy.

the sister post

My sister and I used to be so close.  We shared a room for the first eleven years of my life, until she went to college.  And after that, we were even closer, with as much as I looked up to her.  She was a god, a queen, that could do no wrong.  There really wasn't any rational reason for it.  But I don't suppose there is any rationale for sisterly love.  She used to dress me up, do my hair, and make me pose for pictures.  I loved it.  She was the reason I played volleyball, she was the reason I wanted to go to college, she's part of the reason I started to not get along with our parents.

My sister was raped when she was 16.  Or around 16, I'm not exactly sure of the age.  I found out a couple of years ago that when she finally told our parents, dad started crying and mom stared at her and then finally said, "it's your fault".  (Classic Mom.)  I don't know if the image issues came before or after.  Maybe it was just a teenage girl thing and the assault exasperated things.  Either way, she began working out considerably more than usual, wearing baggy clothes, hardly eating anything.  Mom accused her of being anorexic, which, if she was, did not help matters.  I don't really remember what other issues there were between the two of them.  I think mom was both jealous and disappointed.  My sister was very talented at the piano, but only at free play, playing a sheet of music was difficult and mom always made her play for church, which of course my sister hated.  My sister was pretty, mom wasn't, sister started abandoning the church, she was "rebellious" and "blamed mom" for us being poor.  Mom always had something nasty to say.  Who knows what else.  Needless to say, they didn't get along.

I remember not knowing what alcohol was, other than it wasn't allowed.  I didn't know what it did to you.  But I remember reading in my sisters journal that she got drunk the one rare time the parents went out of town.  (I think that was the time I read she was raped but I didn't know what that meant either.)  That was the one and only time I read my sisters journal.  I remember it so well.  It was just a bright red, college-ruled 120 page notebook.  She kept it under the bed I think.  I wasn't allowed to touch it, let alone read it. I never wanted to.  But I remember her and mom fighting and she left and I thought somehow I could help if I knew what was going on, so I read it.  I think I was 9.  I must not have put it back in the same spot because she accused me of reading it.  She still brings that up occasionally.

She went to one of the biggest party schools in the nation.  Probably not the best thing for her.  I remember visiting her when I was 14 for my Spring Break and her giving me alcohol.  I remember her telling mom and dad that she had to take her roommate to the emergency room for alcohol poisoning but that could have been herself.  Who knows.  She was (and is) an alcoholic.  And she got in an abusive relationship that lasted for years.  I think that was the worst break up of the century, she was a mess for years.  And then she met her husband who has been great for her.  He truly is a nice guy and perfect for her.  Supportive, strong, doesn't take shit, intelligent.  I don't know how he puts up with her bullshit.

Our relationship evolved as I got older.  But the mechanics stayed the same: she was the "older, wiser sister", and I was the "younger, inexperienced girl that needed taken care of".  We were extremely close my first few years of college.  She'd visit me in my dorm, I'd visit her when I could (she's on the other side of the state), we'd drink and have a good time, she liked that I was "fun" and now an "adult" (despite her treatment of me otherwise).  I was an idiot and relied on her at a time I shouldn't have and I think that started the process of where we are now.  We had a fight about two months before my wedding, she randomly texted me accusing me of reading and stealing her notebook.  (Fourteen years later, still bringing it up.)  And then the topic got on how I hate how she's always thought that she needed to protect me, and now was the time to stop, I didn't need it anymore.  She apparently was very hurt (understandably), but she had her friend (who I've never met) send me a facebook message, chiding me.  We've never talked about that, let alone resolved it.

Two years ago, a month after Husband and I got engaged, she came to visit.  She, Husband, my best friend, his girlfriend, and I all went out for my best friends birthday.  That night, I had to take her to the E.R. for alcohol poisoning.  She was at a .38 bac.  Point three eight.  Point four oh usually means death.  We were walking back to the apartment after the bars closed and she sat on the sidewalk and started bawling.  I couldn't get her up.  The entire time, she was talking about how she has a problem with alcohol and it scares her and that mom "really fucked her up and has no idea".  We were there half an hour before the emergency responders came.  They were not kind.  A thirty year old  really shouldn't be that drunk.

It wasn't until six months later that she finally decided that she should probably get some therapy.  She approached it as, she has a problem, she'll get it fixed in six months max, and then she'll pop out a kid because she'll be fine.  She was in therapy for a little over a year and now she's done.

I don't like my sister.  As a person, I don't like her.  I feel sorry for her, I support her in her recovery, but I disagree with most of what she's doing.  And I feel guilty for it.  I strongly disagree with her approach to therapy, that she has a simple problem that takes a simple solution.  Maybe a few tools to deal with the down days, but other than that, just work through things, and be fine with it.  I think that in her particular case, with the sexual abuse, issues with mom, her ex-boyfriend(s), she will never get away from that.  She will always have to deal with it.

I think she's annoying as hell.  I've hung out with her on her own, with her and her group of friends.  They're the type of group that everyone tries to one up the other on witticisms.  Constantly.  And glorifying in being weird just for the sake of "being unique", when really it's all a ploy to get attention.  They're attention whores and my sister is the worst.  She has to be the funniest, she has to be the center, she has to have the best story.  I hate it. Why can't she calm down, shut up, and have a normal conversation that doesn't center around her?  She has all these little things she loves doing: points a finger at you and says "stop it!" in a childish voice, burps really loud, makes random noises at awkward points in the conversation.  [Yes, I realize I sound phenomenally petty and mean.  Let me finish.]

I don't like how she's approached/approaching having kids.  She's always been terrified of the idea, because of mom.  She doesn't want to turn out like her and I think her mind is on a loop and can't get past the idea that she won't if she puts an iota of effort into it.  She would have panic attacks just thinking about it.  But no, "Frank and I are going to start trying in three months.  We're going to try in six months.  We're going to start when my therapist thinks I'm ready.  We're going to try when John and Kim start trying."  Everything is based on some random, arbitrary point in her head.  And meanwhile, she's still scared.  She's scared of having a child with problems (Frank has a horrible family health history), she's scared of raising a child, and she's scared of losing her body to pregnancy and she's scared of putting someone else first.  She recently said "the idea of having a kid doesn't terrify me like it used to.  I don't know if I want to, but Frank does.  And we should."  ...  What?!  Great reasons to have a kid.

She still exercises way too much.  She gets up at 3-4 in the morning to work out for an hour or two before she has to go to work and still goes to bed late at night.  But God forbid she misses a work out day.  In college, she gained about 50 pounds and she's terrified of doing that again.  But she's obsessed with the number and there's no convincing her otherwise.  She's has a muscular build.  And she lifts weights.  She loves and hates her muscles, she glories in them and she hates them because they make her look manly.  But more than that, muscle weighs more than fat and she knows that, and yet she's still obsessed with the damn number on the scale.  She can't be at her goal weight unless she starves herself.  And she enjoys eating.  She came over one time, made two giant cheesecakes, and dinner and in one sitting, ate dinner and an entire cheesecake, and fifteen minutes later, had to "take a shower" for an hour.  I approached her one time about her exercising, she blew me off, said it wasn't a problem.  I suggested she talk to her therapist about it.  She got angry.

Oh!  And her therapist hates the "modern idea" that alcoholism is a disease.  And guess who just loves that idea?!

And just to throw in there because I'm ranting, she's bi-sexual (which is fine, I am too), but she has affairs with women in hotel rooms.  But she's "safe" because she screens them, and Frank approves and it's all hunky-dory.

And this is going to sound the most disgusting of all.  But I said I was going to be honest.  She's jealous of me.  [God I cringe when I write that.]  But in her own words (I promise), I am skinnier, my body type is "better" (naturally slim, no muscle mass), I'm prettier, I have my shit together, I've dealt with my sexual abuse in a healthy way, I've dealt with mom and dad in a healthy way, I had the big giant perfect wedding, etc.  It's difficult talking with someone who constantly is saying in a self-deprecating way "you're so much prettier than me.  I love your lips.  I love your teeth.  You're growing up!"

I am over-critical, a liar, and non-supportive.  She just finished therapy last week or the week before.  She just had our dad over for a four day visit, that was the first time she had seen him for years.  And I haven't talked to her and I don't really want to.  I don't want to hear about her therapy because I don't think it's really helped all that much (even though she thinks it has).  And it probably has in some ways.  But since I disagree with what I've heard him say, I don't want to hear the rest of it.  I don't want to hear about her goddamn work.  Work consists of 90% of the conversations and I just don't give a damn about cars.  I don't want to hear about her friends and how they're pregnant, because that'll lead to her saying that her and Frank are going to start trying this summer now that she's finished with therapy and their friends are pregnant.  I don't want her to talk down to me.  I don't particularly want a relationship with her.  Eventually we're going to move to that side of the state and she's offended that we're going to live closer to his family and as far away from her as possible.  I don't want to babysit her kid because I don't think I agree with her parenting style.  I don't want to be taken advantage of.

I am a horrible person.  I should be supportive.  I should be loving.  I should at the least be trying to work on our relationship.  I should be doing a lot of things.  But I'm not.  I need space.  I need to not be so angry with her.  I need to get over myself.  Because if I don't, she'll be able to tell that I don't respect her.  And I don't want her to be hurt.  She doesn't realize that ever since I read her notebook and found out what I did, it hasn't been her taking care of me.  It's been me taking care of her.




See why I need this blog anonymous?

newsworthy

I had a very exciting topic I was going to post about, I thought of it right before I fell asleep.  Unfortunately, the only thing I could remember when I woke up was the title.  Oh well.

We are bursting at the seams with fruit!  Apples, kiwis, pineapple, strawberries, mango, yumo!  If only I could get as excited about vegetables.

Oh!  I remembered.  We canceled our cable!  Oh boy.  We've been more or less addicted to the tv for no other reason than we're lazy and it's easy.  So to save $80 a month (ouch) we canceled and will living off of each other and Sirius radio.  Which is awesome I must say!  They have all of my favorite things!  French, NPR, 40's (although I do prefer the 30's), Comedy, Coffee House.  It's awesome!  And it's going to be perfect for our road trip!

Did I tell you we're going on a road trip?  July 6-22.  Start out here, drop the dogs off with his parents (unless we can convince his sister to watch them, doubtful), along the Oregon coast, Redwoods, San Fran, along the California coast, L.A., Joshua Tree, Flagstaff, Grand Canyon, Vegas, Death Valley, Kings Canyon, Yosemite, and back home.  It's going to be intense, to say the least.  And awesome!  [that's up to two "awesome's", isn't it?  Awesome.]

I really should take a shower, running makes me gross.  So to sum up the past few days: fruit, working out, dogs, food poisoning, clean, and healthy!  Yay!

dinner

I made salmon, broccoli, and wild rice for dinner and The Husband almost puked.  Twice.  And it's mostly "my fault" because I put too large of a portion in front of him.  Ugh.

I should back up.  One of the many goals is to eat home/eat healthier.  Years of fast food has taken its toll and I'm borderline high cholesterol.  I'm 5'11 and 130 pounds, highish cholesterol should not be a problem!  And The Husband is 5'7 and 210 so...yeah, we need to be healthier.  I personally love salmon, it's fairly subtle, love the texture, and it's so good for you!  So I threw some on the grill (Husband was worried that cooking it inside would make it smell too much) and he threw the biggest fit!  *Wah wah I don't wanna!*  It was about 50% amusing and 50% fucking annoying.  So next time, I'll give him little bites of mine and get him accustomed.  I should say, he's really not picky about what he eats.  At all.  So he'll get there.  He liked the flavor (surprisingly), just not the texture.

In other news, I am exhausted so I'm going to bed.  There is news, but I just don't have the energy to type it out.  I probably will at one o'clock in the morning (I think it's been at least eight months since I've had a full night's sleep, it's goddamn annoying).

perfection

Today, I got up earlier than I wanted to, I worked out (even with three dogs attacking my face, thinking it's play time), I got my hair to style properly, I de-haired myself, my co-worker bought me flowers for May Day (she's like a second mom, such a wonderful, beautiful person), work was insanely busy and productive, I got a response back from an email that made my day [yes, you, thank you, it did!], and as soon as I got home from an extra two hours of work training (that was actually fun and educational), The Husband put on Howl's Moving Castle after I said that I wanted to watch it three days ago (he remembered!)

Yes, that was a paragraph long sentence, I'm sorry, but I really don't want to go back and edit it.  I'm so proud of myself and The Husband for succeeding.  He's been doing amazing with his classes/practicum, he's been helping me so much with cleaning/support, and he's such a good person!  I don't know if I said yet, he's eight months away from becoming a Special Education teacher and it's just perfect for him.  I don't think I've ever met a more patient, less judgmental, more grounded person.  He truly does want to help people and to help people the best way he can.  *happy sigh* I don't deserve him, but now he's stuck with me *evil laughter*

Quote of the day from one of my favorite books, Women in Love: "But we have got such a conceit of ourselves-that's where it is. We are so conceited and so unproud. We've got no pride, we're all conceit, so conceited in our own paper-mache realized selves. We'd rather die than give up our little self-righteous self-opinionated self-will." 


[I feel like this blog is incomplete, broken with my parenthesis and difficult to read, but I don't mind, I'm going to keep it as a testament to a good day and I'm going to watch my movie!]

success

I've been doing really well with keeping on top of my goals.  The kitchen has been kept clean, the laundry is done, the bathroom's clean, things are organized, I've been getting up early (although I do want to get up 15 minutes earlier than I have been), we haven't been eating out, the budget is more or less being followed.  I'm pretty happy with things.  I think it's helped doing small changes here and there, and changing my mind-set, rather than telling myself "you will change this and this" and expect it to work.  So I think this week, I'll try and focus on getting up just a bit earlier and working out.

It's so nice that spring is here, Washington is beautiful in the spring.  We have such a gentle transition from winter to summer, it takes it's time, the plants and trees don't wake up all at once.  It's wonderful to see the new progress everyday.  So inspiring!

Not much is new, I finished the second book in the Game of Thrones series.  I'm on to Stranger in a Strange Land by Robert Heinlein.  Such an interesting book!  I recommend it if you haven't read it.  Oh!  My hairstylist finally convinced me to get a hairdryer.  :(  I grew my hair out, donated it, and got a great haircut and then didn't style it for months.  So I went in to get a trim and just fell in love with how she styled it, so I guess I'll quit being lazy and make it look better.  It'll be nice to take a little more pride in how I look.  And meanwhile, The Husband and I are just enjoying ourselves.  His sister is staying the week with us to get away from drama with her friends.  She's almost 20 and good lord, she makes me feel so old!  With her, everything is make-up, image, having fun, figuring out her life, drama, drinking, boys...it seems so long ago I was that insecure.

Quote of the day:  We're not arguing whether you're arguing right or wrong. We're simply saying, do you realize what you're doing when you frame the discussion in such an antagonistic, polarizing manner?

evidence of my judgementalness

[Is that even a word? Judgementalness?  Meh.]

I have a customer who has three young boys.  She usually comes in with just one, about 4 or 5 years old, and this woman is of the opinion that you shouldn't have any rules, parameters, discipline, or otherwise tell your child no in any way.  I think that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard and I can't stand her.  Her kid literally crawls on my desk, stands up, picks up anything within reach, and tries to break it.  If he can't break it, he throws it.  If he can break it, he throws it, for that matter.  I tell him no, because that's ridiculous and he can get hurt and *liability!* And so she'll tell him, weakly, "No Austin, we don't do that.  I'm going to take away your dessert tomorrow, no pudding.  Do you want me to take away dessert?  Ok, I'm taking it away."  He doesn't listen at all to what she's saying.  It takes her ten minutes to get him out the door "I'm going to count to five, when I get to five, you need to be walking out the door.  1, 2, 3, 4, 5, ok, let's go.  I'm going to count to ten."  and on and on.  God she drives me nuts.  I realize mothers need all the support they can get, but some mothers need to learn to get it together.  Her kid is a monster and his behavior could cause some serious problems in school.  

On the one hand, I want to say, "yes, it's her kid and her parenting style, it's not hurting anyone, why do I care?" and just let it go.  And on the other, I want to tell her that she's an idiot and her parenting style is stupid.  Mostly I don't care, but if I had to deal with her for an extended period of time, it would be difficult for me to keep my mouth shut.  The Husband has a cousin who is the same way and it's hard watching her kid tear up my mother in law's house and then watch her walk out the door without cleaning up, saying a word of apology and then coming back three days later and letting it happen again.  Is this an actual parenting style that they decided on or were they not prepared to have a kid so they're lost or are they lazy and don't want to learn techniques?  What's the deal?  How is this acceptable?  And both of these women don't have jobs, so it's not like they have a career to distract them/take up time...I just don't get it, I'm sorry.  They can do what they want, but that doesn't mean I can't think it's stupid.

baseball

I find it really weird how much I like watching baseball.  But I really do!  I like all the random rules and strategy and that you can talk through it all.  So I'm sitting here watching the Mariners, enjoying a glass of wine, our dogs are playing as always and The Husband is making cow eyes at me, trying to get me to sit with him.  (Cow eyes, what a silly phrase.)

Did you hear about the woman who murdered another woman and kidnapped her 3 day old baby?  Oh my god!  That is insane and so so sad.  I can't imagine being that desperate.  Apparently she just had a miscarriage so I'm sure that was a large part of the reason.  Good lord.

Recently, I've been trying to: keep the kitchen clean, walk the dogs more, get up by 5:45, meditate, work out (still working on that), lessen procrastination, read more, cook more, eat out less, eat healthier, and do laundry.  It's going decently well considering that's a lot of changes at once and I've utterly failed every time I've tried to change in the past.  My self control sucks, I'm a lazy ass.  Really really lazy.  I sit on the couch for hours.  Ugh.  So little changes here and there, and hopefully over all habits and outlook will change.  So I am going to stop blogging, clean the kitchen, do some laundry, do a water change, and watch baseball.  Hopefully.

sleeplessness

I love sleep.  I love it.  And I have insomnia.  Ironic?  Ugh.

Apricot is sick.  Pretty sure June gave it to her because she was sick two weeks ago.  So for the past three nights, we've been up 4-5 times walking her while her ass explodes.  Neat.  How the heck do people do this for extended periods of time?

Nothing huge going on here.  The husband might get a call for a new job tomorrow or Friday, which would be nice.  He works for Olive Garden and there should be case studies on his manager of how not to run a business.  He has said multiple times "I don't care about anything but the bottom line, especially when it comes to my employees."  One of the servers asked to have a Wednesday (weekday in case you didn't catch that purpose of that) off because he was the coach to a special needs kid who went to the finals in the Special Olympics...and they said no.  So yes, a new job for Husband would be nice.  Meanwhile, my work is nice and busy (yay!).  We have auditors this week and more to get ready for in two weeks, a board meeting and stockholders meeting tomorrow and lots of random people coming in asking random questions.

I feel like I should say something philosophical or witty or interesting.  I certainly feel philosophical.  But I've got nothing.  I've been sitting here eating Multigrain chips (from Food Should Taste Good, yum!!), staring at my fish, and thinking that I really should be doing something productive.  Ah well, maybe I'll just take a bath, de-hair myself, and drink a glass of wine.  That sounds even better.  And try to write down the random thoughts I have throughout the day so I can remember the good ones and blog about them later.

shots and fish

I got my last shot on Thursday.  Thank god!  And the Husband was nice enough to give it to me since my insurance company seems to think that it's reasonable to charge $50 for the 10 seconds it takes my nurse to shoot me in the ass.  So hopefully the hot flashes and mood swings will go away soon.

In other news, we got a fish tank!  A few weeks ago, we were thinking of getting a large one (29-40 gallons), but have you seen the price of those?  No way.  So we abandoned the thought for awhile, but I really love fish/tanks.  I used to have four, a 10, 36, 50, and 110 and I missed seeing a peaceful environment.  The Husband's never had fish, so he's very excited.  I have them on the counter that combines our kitchen/dining room and it's nice seeing them interested in watching me cut up pineapple (which I've been eating way too much of, my mouth is starting to blister!)

I got a book that I keep on meaning to read but never seem to find the time for, The Power of Positive Parenting by Glenn Latham, has anyone read it?  It seems mostly in line with where I think my philosophy is, so it'll be interesting to study.

I think another hesitation I have about becoming a mother comes from never being around kids.  Ever.  I've never been around them.  I didn't babysit, I was the youngest child, I didn't volunteer in schools (although I was a substitute parapro for a month, if that counts).  So they seem like these weird little buggers that are kind of annoying and don't listen to you.  The Husband is a year away from getting his degree to be a Special Education teacher and I think he'll be a much better parent than me (another fear).  He's had to take months of classes on behavior management and childhood development and whatnot, not to mention the hours of classroom time he has and will log.  So when he talks about problems he deals with, I think to myself "I would never have thought of approaching the kid like that!"  And then I get annoyed, because it seems obvious when he says it, but I really truly would have never thought of saying the things he says, and that's frustrating beyond belief.  I'm still trying to decide if that's a talent or something you can learn.  I'm leaning towards more talent than anything, but most things can be taught to an extent.  We'll see, that's why I'm starting to prepare now!

the mother post

My mom had me when she was 43.  I'm the youngest of five.  And my dad was the only source of income.  In a poor economic area.  No wonder I wasn't loved for a few months after I was born.  I don't remember a lot of my childhood.  I remember playing in the dirt a lot.  And spending a lot of time at the river we lived by.  And worshiping my sister.  I had to come up with ways to entertain myself, our tv (that my dad built) blew up right after Simba's dad died in the Lion King that we were watching for my 8th birthday.  So lots of books and imagination.  As little as I remember, I don't remember my mom much until middle/high school.

My mother is a bitter bitter sarcastic woman.  With a huge chip on her shoulder on top of that.  She was 3rd of 9 children, her father was a Scottish Baptist pastor and from what I understand, beat her frequently (he was also a boxer and gold miner).  They moved around constantly, she had to take care of her siblings, deal with a prettier older sister (my mother is not an attractive woman), and work to support the family.  She married my dad and finally got out.

I think she looked forward to having a family and being happy.  So she had five and all of us in some way or other "broke her heart".  The eldest abandoned the faith and married a woman she didn't approve of.  At their wedding, in the receiving line, she told him that she'd rather be at his funeral and refused to take any pictures.  The second she's most happy with, he has definitely kept the faith, and went in the military after dad, but he didn't marry a virgin so that took at least ten years to get over.  The third is my sister and that's a whole other blog post.  The fourth married a woman with tattoos and got busted for porn in high school, but she seems to love him just the same.  And me.  So of course, everyone broke her heart and no one understands what she's been through, but "God knows what he's doing" etc.

I don't really know what else to say, how to explain this person.  I say she's bitter, and you think "I know bitter women, she's like that", but she's her own type of bitter.  I say she's sarcastic and you think "I know sarcastic people, what's wrong with that?" but she doesn't have a touch humor.  [When customer service asks how she's doing, her response is always "mean and grumpy".]   My sister was raped when she was 16.  When she finally told my parents, my mom said "It's your own fault."  When I told her my brother molested me for years, she prayed for forgiveness for me and then demanded that I forgive him.  And then never talked about it again.

I don't thinks she's truly an "evil" person or that she really means harm on anyone else.  I just think she's a broken, soul-sick person.  I don't think she had enough love and I don't think she knew how to love.  I understand her to an extent.  I don't understand how my dad loves her as much as he does.  He's crazy about her and she's crazy about him.  They have a wonderful relationship and I'm glad I had such a good example of a marriage to see.  But as a mother, I don't really understand how she could and can be so...lacking.  She didn't come to our wedding because we were having it in a Catholic church.  I called to let them know we got engaged: "Hi mom and dad.  Husband and I got engaged."  Mom: "We're not coming to the wedding."  Right off the bat, no pause, no congratulations, no happy sounds, *bam* "we're not coming".  I don't respect her, her religion, her politics, nothing.  And I'm rambling.  Where was I?  Oh yes.  I don't understand how she can be such a terrible mother.  How can she say that it's our fault for being sexually abused, tell her oldest son on the happiest day of his life that she'd rather be at his funeral, that her kids broke her heart by not following her standards?  Maybe she was abused, maybe she was too weak to be a mother, maybe she's just a terrible person/mother and I should just move on.

But thinking about having my own kid, I'm not scared that I'll turn out like her.  No.  I'm scared that my kid will turn out like me and be so indifferent about me.  I don't hate my mother.  I don't love her.  She's like a scientific experiment that I could never solve but go back to think about every once in awhile.  I can't imagine having a kid that uses me like I've used my mother and then lives their life and never speaks to me again.  I'm watching my adopted mother (faux adoption, love is deeper than blood eh) deal with her only son who has ostracized her and her husband and it breaks my heart to watch.  I think it comes down to, I'm not sure I can emotionally be ready to deal with having a kid.  I think all kids break their parents hearts at some point, but some hearts heal and some don't.

Husband says that I'll be a good mother, a better mother, because I'm going in with my eyes open, I've learned my from mother, I won't do what she did and because of that, my kid won't turn out like me.  He has a point.  But that's not something you can control.  So it scares me.

updates and cliffhangers

My dogs just got back from a half hour walk and they are now chasing each other around the apartment like possessed, barking demons.  The husband's schedule the next 10 weeks is terrible, with school/work taking up almost every free minute, so any time the dogs can be out of their kennels, the poor things, the happier and crazier they are.  With cuddles in between of course.

Do you ever have a slow day at work, and come home and it continues there?  But if you're productive at work, it continues on and you're superwoman at home?  It's horrible and awesome, depending on which has happened.  Unfortunately, my work is almost always slow, so I hate to say it, but I'm pretty unproductive.  But I am trying to get up early to work out, meditate, take the dogs out, have a good breakfast.  Even if I am sleep-deprived.  Oh well, it's good practice right?  And try and cook!  Gah, I swear, the last thing I want to do when I get home is start dinner.  But I really need to get in the habit, we can't keep eating fast food every night of our lives.  The saddest part is that my biggest motivator for cooking at home is not to eat healthier, but to save money.  Ugh.  Retraining ourselves is hard.

I was lying in the bed the other night and I think it's starting to hit me: I have a serious condition.  I have a lot of medical problems and most of them are minor so I was viewing my endo as minor as well.  But I realized that...it's not.  Of course it's not cancer, it's not something I'll die from.  But it's not something that I can just say "I have this, sometimes it makes me feel this way".  It's more "I have this, I'm in constant pain, they can't really do anything about it, it could be getting worse, I have my period for two weeks out of the month and it's a decent possibility I can't have kids".

The husband and I were talking about that possibility and what we do if that's the case.  He mentioned that he'd like to do IVF or use a surrogate or freeze my eggs or something.  I don't know how I feel about that.  Initially, I think I don't want to go that far.  I don't know if I want kids enough to go through more pain and spend that amount of money (holy jesus).  Which leaves adoption.  But again, I don't know if I want to go through that much pain/time/money to have a kid.  Which makes me wonder why I want a kid of my own at all.  Why does anyone want a kid?  Which brings up tons of other issues/possible answers, including shit with my family (sister and mother), my history, kids in general.  And I don't want to delve into that at the moment.  But I will.  Which is why I'm leaving this anonymous.  I'm sure my sister could figure out that this blog is mine if she were ever to stumble across it.  But hopefully she won't.  Because I'd really like to be honest.