My mom had me when she was 43. I'm the youngest of five. And my dad was the only source of income. In a poor economic area. No wonder I wasn't loved for a few months after I was born. I don't remember a lot of my childhood. I remember playing in the dirt a lot. And spending a lot of time at the river we lived by. And worshiping my sister. I had to come up with ways to entertain myself, our tv (that my dad built) blew up right after Simba's dad died in the Lion King that we were watching for my 8th birthday. So lots of books and imagination. As little as I remember, I don't remember my mom much until middle/high school.
My mother is a bitter bitter sarcastic woman. With a huge chip on her shoulder on top of that. She was 3rd of 9 children, her father was a Scottish Baptist pastor and from what I understand, beat her frequently (he was also a boxer and gold miner). They moved around constantly, she had to take care of her siblings, deal with a prettier older sister (my mother is not an attractive woman), and work to support the family. She married my dad and finally got out.
I think she looked forward to having a family and being happy. So she had five and all of us in some way or other "broke her heart". The eldest abandoned the faith and married a woman she didn't approve of. At their wedding, in the receiving line, she told him that she'd rather be at his funeral and refused to take any pictures. The second she's most happy with, he has definitely kept the faith, and went in the military after dad, but he didn't marry a virgin so that took at least ten years to get over. The third is my sister and that's a whole other blog post. The fourth married a woman with tattoos and got busted for porn in high school, but she seems to love him just the same. And me. So of course, everyone broke her heart and no one understands what she's been through, but "God knows what he's doing" etc.
I don't really know what else to say, how to explain this person. I say she's bitter, and you think "I know bitter women, she's like that", but she's her own type of bitter. I say she's sarcastic and you think "I know sarcastic people, what's wrong with that?" but she doesn't have a touch humor. [When customer service asks how she's doing, her response is always "mean and grumpy".] My sister was raped when she was 16. When she finally told my parents, my mom said "It's your own fault." When I told her my brother molested me for years, she prayed for forgiveness for me and then demanded that I forgive him. And then never talked about it again.
I don't thinks she's truly an "evil" person or that she really means harm on anyone else. I just think she's a broken, soul-sick person. I don't think she had enough love and I don't think she knew how to love. I understand her to an extent. I don't understand how my dad loves her as much as he does. He's crazy about her and she's crazy about him. They have a wonderful relationship and I'm glad I had such a good example of a marriage to see. But as a mother, I don't really understand how she could and can be so...lacking. She didn't come to our wedding because we were having it in a Catholic church. I called to let them know we got engaged: "Hi mom and dad. Husband and I got engaged." Mom: "We're not coming to the wedding." Right off the bat, no pause, no congratulations, no happy sounds, *bam* "we're not coming". I don't respect her, her religion, her politics, nothing. And I'm rambling. Where was I? Oh yes. I don't understand how she can be such a terrible mother. How can she say that it's our fault for being sexually abused, tell her oldest son on the happiest day of his life that she'd rather be at his funeral, that her kids broke her heart by not following her standards? Maybe she was abused, maybe she was too weak to be a mother, maybe she's just a terrible person/mother and I should just move on.
But thinking about having my own kid, I'm not scared that I'll turn out like her. No. I'm scared that my kid will turn out like me and be so indifferent about me. I don't hate my mother. I don't love her. She's like a scientific experiment that I could never solve but go back to think about every once in awhile. I can't imagine having a kid that uses me like I've used my mother and then lives their life and never speaks to me again. I'm watching my adopted mother (faux adoption, love is deeper than blood eh) deal with her only son who has ostracized her and her husband and it breaks my heart to watch. I think it comes down to, I'm not sure I can emotionally be ready to deal with having a kid. I think all kids break their parents hearts at some point, but some hearts heal and some don't.
Husband says that I'll be a good mother, a better mother, because I'm going in with my eyes open, I've learned my from mother, I won't do what she did and because of that, my kid won't turn out like me. He has a point. But that's not something you can control. So it scares me.
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