updates and cliffhangers

My dogs just got back from a half hour walk and they are now chasing each other around the apartment like possessed, barking demons.  The husband's schedule the next 10 weeks is terrible, with school/work taking up almost every free minute, so any time the dogs can be out of their kennels, the poor things, the happier and crazier they are.  With cuddles in between of course.

Do you ever have a slow day at work, and come home and it continues there?  But if you're productive at work, it continues on and you're superwoman at home?  It's horrible and awesome, depending on which has happened.  Unfortunately, my work is almost always slow, so I hate to say it, but I'm pretty unproductive.  But I am trying to get up early to work out, meditate, take the dogs out, have a good breakfast.  Even if I am sleep-deprived.  Oh well, it's good practice right?  And try and cook!  Gah, I swear, the last thing I want to do when I get home is start dinner.  But I really need to get in the habit, we can't keep eating fast food every night of our lives.  The saddest part is that my biggest motivator for cooking at home is not to eat healthier, but to save money.  Ugh.  Retraining ourselves is hard.

I was lying in the bed the other night and I think it's starting to hit me: I have a serious condition.  I have a lot of medical problems and most of them are minor so I was viewing my endo as minor as well.  But I realized that...it's not.  Of course it's not cancer, it's not something I'll die from.  But it's not something that I can just say "I have this, sometimes it makes me feel this way".  It's more "I have this, I'm in constant pain, they can't really do anything about it, it could be getting worse, I have my period for two weeks out of the month and it's a decent possibility I can't have kids".

The husband and I were talking about that possibility and what we do if that's the case.  He mentioned that he'd like to do IVF or use a surrogate or freeze my eggs or something.  I don't know how I feel about that.  Initially, I think I don't want to go that far.  I don't know if I want kids enough to go through more pain and spend that amount of money (holy jesus).  Which leaves adoption.  But again, I don't know if I want to go through that much pain/time/money to have a kid.  Which makes me wonder why I want a kid of my own at all.  Why does anyone want a kid?  Which brings up tons of other issues/possible answers, including shit with my family (sister and mother), my history, kids in general.  And I don't want to delve into that at the moment.  But I will.  Which is why I'm leaving this anonymous.  I'm sure my sister could figure out that this blog is mine if she were ever to stumble across it.  But hopefully she won't.  Because I'd really like to be honest.